Justifiable Paranoia

I returned to the scene of the crime (See "Near Death Experiences and Bad Spelling", perhaps against my better judgement.

I'll give you the short version.

They're out to get me.

After choosing to try a further pared down version of the ill-fated sandwich I tried to enjoy last time. This time I was excruciatingly clear, requesting no tabulae, tabbouleh, and specifically no onions or tomato. (It sounds like a dull sandwich at this point, I'm sure, but I'm fine with it.)

I ordered it with a salad. Healthy, healthy me.

So I started eating.

Mmmmm. Tasty salad goodness.

Mmmmm. Nice sandwich without onions or tomatoes. Or wood, for that matter.

Then I kept eating.

And paused, mid-chew.

I paused mid-chew with a forkful of salad in my mouth.

A forkful of salad and hair.

That's right, I said "hair".

Of course I did that, "STOP CHEWING! DON'T DO ANYTHING THAT MIGHT CAUSE YOU TO SWALLOW THE HAIR!" thing that a person does, trying to get it out of one's mouth with the tip of the tongue, all the while MORTIFIED that the tip of one's tongue is on a stranger's hair!

Those around me were dutifully mortified as I drew it from betwixt my lips.

But wait.

It ain't over yet.

Feeling the need to leave my salad behind, I went back to my sandwich which was, up to this point, quite promising.

A few bites later, all of that came to an end.

I bit down and crunched through something.

Crunched.

Would the pita crunch? No.

Would the chicken crunch? No.

Would the feta crunch? I certianly hope not.

Would the tzatziki crunch. No.

Then what had crunched, you wonder?

Oh, I'll tell you what crunched.

An onion.

That's right. Upon unravelling my wrap, I discovered that there, in the bottom half of the wrap ... LITERALLY in only the bottom half of the wrap ... there were onions. Lots and lots of onions.

Go back up there and see what I'd requested. Remember how I was very specific about what should not be found in my food? That's right. Onions were clearly on that list of banned produce.

I've decided it's time for me to take a long hiatus from visiting that restaurant, even if they DO have the most delicious herbed goat's cheese ever. Sorry, but I just can't do it any more.

They're clearly out to get me.

Near Death Experinces and Bad Spelling

After last night's show, a bunch of us, as we are often wont to do, went out for a bit to eat or tasty beverage.

I decided to try the Chicken Pita wrap, which sounded generally good. There was a reference to "tabulae" in the description, but everything else sounded delicious: chicken, tzatziki, feta cheese... Yum. I must admit that I felt like a bit of a loser for not knowing exactly what "tabulae" was. Then I realized that those around me didn't seem to know either.

So I asked the waitress about it and she assured me that everyone likes it or, in her own words, "doesn't even notice that it's there". So I went ahead and decided to take a risk on it. Again, she didn't seem to be able to give me a clear description of it, just that everyone seems to like it or doesn't realize it's there.

So my wrap arrived, and it was filled with chicken, tzatziki, feta cheese ... and onions and tomatoes. I wasn't thrilled, truth be told, but figured that's what I get for trusting in the ambiguous nature of this mysterious "tabulae".

Then I took one more bite.

Or tried to.

I chomped down on something in my sandwich. Something hard. Something wooden.

So I pulled it out.

What had I had almost inadvertantly consumed was a four-inch length of bamboo skewer. FOUR-INCHES of skewer which was apparently overlooked. How does one not notice a four-inch piece of wood in a sandwich?

When the lovely waitress returned (and she was lovely, to be sure), I asked, "What exactly is in tabulae?" which she responded, "It's chopped parsley and stuff."

"Are you sure it doesn't mean onions, tomato, and WOOD?"

Now there are a few things which must be addressed regarding this whole adventure.

1. Waitresses are funny.

Since that what they call "tabulae" (see below) is pretty much onions, tomato, and a pinch of parsley, calling it "chopped parsley and stuff" and completely glossing over the tomato and onion content, is sort of like saying, "I had a lovely rosemary dish last night" when you really mean the chicken.

2. Wood in a sandwich gets less reaction than you'd think.

The waitress returned from the kitchen following my near-fatal bite of the wrap, and reported back that the bamboo skewer is just from the way they cook it. At least it wasn't random. REALLY? The chicken skewer was in my food because the chicken was on it? Thank you for that amazing revelation! I had no idea! Again, she was quite lovely, I just found it a curious report to be given. Also to her credit, she did not charge me for the salad and 1/3 of a wrap I'd eaten following the traumatic experience of unexpected tomato, onion, and tree product.

3. "Tabulae" does not exist.

Well, it does, in that it's Latin for "tablet" but that's about it. Having gone online to investigate further, I've discovered that they really mean "tabbouleh", "tabouleh", or maybe even "tabouli". Yes, there are three variant spellings, none of which are "tabulae". I had been intrigued by the word in the first place, since I desperately wanted to pronounce it in the Latin way, but knew that "tabouli" existed (despite not knowing exactly what it was) and figured that's what they'd meant, which they did. Furthermore, having now looked at what it really is, it's a bit of a misnomer for them to be calling what they put in that sandwich "tabouli", no matter the spelling.

On the upside, chick peas made no appearance in my meal, for a change. Whew!