Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hey, Wheezie!

This evening, while standing in line at the cashier, a woman joined the line behind me.

Close behind me.

Now, under normal circumstances, the distance at which she stood wouldn't have been close enough to make me uncomfortable, but this woman was breathing rather heavily. Gaspingly. Raspily. And having a heavily gasping, raspy breather behind you doubles the "acceptable distance" requirements. The heavily gasping, raspy breather was therefore uncomfortably close to me.

Then she spoke. She spoke and said something head-shaking.

"Do you know where I can buy cigarettes around here?"

She asked for smokes.

The heavily gasping, raspy breather asked for smokes.

Now there's a good idea.

She even followed up by saying, "I just can't catch my breath!"

Do you have any idea how difficult it was to keep from saying, "Oh yeah. When you can't breathe, it's usually a good idea to smoke some more."

At this point, she started dropping all of her purchases, into a pile on the floor and grabbing a few more impulse purchases to add to the pile.

I made my getaway while I was still keeping silent on the whole thing.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Puppy Love: Deadly Edition

You know what drives me nuts? (Stop! Stop listing things! It was a rhetorical question!)

People who choose to drive around with their dogs on their laps. That's right. People in the driver's seat who think it's somehow acceptable to have a living creature sitting on top of them while they're operating a motorized vehicle. Add to that the fact that they're doing so these days on roads covered with ice, slush, and snow, and I'm significantly more irritated.

Then I see the ShePound today and I get really steamed.

She's driving around, grinning like the Cheshire Cat (seriously, folks, she was about as crazy-jolly as they come) and was attempting to manoeuver her minivan around a corner with not one, but two dogs on her lap. And, though we're not talking great danes here, we're also not talking about tiny pipsqueak dogs (which would also bug me, so don't drive around with chihuahuas on your lap either). Definite mid-sized breeds. One is sitting on her lap, face pressed to the window while the other is somehow being clutched to her chest with one arm while she turns the wheel with the other.

You, my dear, are a raging idiot worthy of the accident you will someday have.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

As Requested

Once upon there was a girl named Sonya. She liked to make sarcastic comments, dress in black, and generally give her mother cause for concern.

When Sonya grew up, she wanted to enter the World of The Arts, studying theatre and becoming a singer and actor.

One day, she said to herself, "Waitaminnit! Business! That's where the money is!" and so she became Management.

Now, she makes sarcastic comments, dresses in black, and generally gives her mother cause for concern. Some things never change!

Oh, Sonya! You minx you!