Monday, May 19, 2008

3 Open Letters

#1: Counter Culture:

Dear Teenaged Girl,

The counter at a restaurant, even a crappy little place at Wonderland, is not the place for your backside. I don't even like it when people sit their toddlers on the counter, believing it to be a bit disrespectful of food service in general as well as of everyone else who is eating at the place. But teenaged girls who perch themselves on the counter so they can hang off their boyfriends and flirt while acting like a sexed-up preteen? Inappropriate on a multitude of levels. Get your butt off the counter and act your age.

Adamantly yours,


#2: The Gloves Come Off

Dear Blond Adolescent Boy,

When you stand at the hand dryer in a public washroom and dry your hands with fingerless gloves on, I not only know that you're trying to dry your gloves, but that you haven't washed your hands anyway. I know that they're wet because it's a rainy day (and in regards to that, they would dry a lot more quickly if you took them off, allowing air to pass through them), but you've still been to the washroom and they should have come off in any case. Give your head a shake. Just don't shake my hand.

Grippingly yours,


#3: Mind your Ps and Qs

Dear Every Male Who Can't Pee Responsibly,

Don't use public washrooms. If you are completely unable to aim, if you are unable to clean up after yourself, if you are not able to take any responsibility for yourself or to respect anyone else, hold it in until you're at home so I will not have to enter a facility which makes me want to puke. Urine belongs in a urinal and/or in a toilet. For the very young it belongs in a diaper. It does not belong on the floor. It does not belong on a wall. If you can't follow these simple rules, you do not belong in a public restroom.

A little pee-d off,


Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Daunting Dome

American Idol's David Cook has a big head.

I don't mean he's arrogant, which he may well be.

I mean he has an enormous head.

A crazy cranium.

It's gargantuan.

He's a total potato head.

During tonight's episide he put his head down, chin to chest, and the top of his head was mammoth, confirming what we already knew. He has a massive head. His forehead could give Linus a run for his money.

I can't imagine the horrific labour his mother must have gone through birthing the boy. Yowza.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Naturally Flavoured Tea

Back to the tea cupboard (yes, I literally have a tea cupboard) for today's musings. I recently purchased some new teas. Like books and movies, I have a bit of a ... um ... problem with buying more even though I have scads waiting to be consumed.

But I digress.

Among my tea purchases was Celestial Seasonings * brand "Bengal Spice" tea. Upon reading the ingredient list, I had reason to pause.

And now, presented for the first time ever on dullgloomy, I give you THE INGREDIENT LIST!

cinnamon, roasted chicory, roasted carob, natural cinnamon flavours, natural vanilla flavours, natural flavours, ginger, cardamom, black pepper, cloves and nutmeg

Ah, yes.

Not only does the number one ingredient, cinnamon, require the assistance of the number four ingredient, natural cinnamon flavours, but that little run of ingredients from number four to number six makes one scratch one's head.

Natural cinnamon flavours (plural, might I add).

Natural vanilla flavours (also plural).

Natural flavours (plural and nonspecific).

Now, we all know, by now, that "Natural Flavours" may have nothing at all to do with the real item whose flavour is being emulated. I have "Mango Jango" tea from Teaopia ** and it contains no mango at all, the mango taste being provided by carrot and orange. The lemon flavouring in your iced tea or salad dressing may be provided by cat urine, cockroach shells, or sunshine drops, for all you know. (Okay, this may be a slight exaggeration. Look it up for more specific information. I'm not going to link everything for you, lazybones.)

I can only assume that the good folks at Celestial Seasonings *** are differentiating from natural flavours which come from ... well ... the actual substance (i.e., cinnamon and vanilla) from those which are more creatively sourced. Still, sort of draws attention to the shadier flavours, doesn't it? Hmmm


* This website, as of the time of posting, is useless.

** This website, however, is very much operational and useful.

*** This website is still useless (as of the time of posting).

Monday, May 12, 2008

News Flash

Sometimes it's amusing what people say when they're not really saying what they mean to be saying and what they think they're saying.

Today, while watching the news, the reporter was talking about the residents of Fredericton who are trying to pick up the pieces after the recent flooding.

Then he came out with the line which amused me greatly.

"Now they're waiting to see if and where they will be living for the forseeable future."

Humina-huh? What was that? Whatchu say?

"If and when."

IF and WHEN?!?!?!

Let's break that down. That translates into "Now they're waiting to see if they will be living for the foreseeable future and where they will be living for the foreseeable future."

"IF they will be living for the foreseeable future."


I'm thinking that if the answer to that is no -- if they are not to be living for the foreseeable future -- then the odds of them living in the more distant future is rather unlikely as well, let alone WHERE.

Oh, you silly news guy and your poorly constructed sentence!