3 Open Letters

#1: Counter Culture:

Dear Teenaged Girl,

The counter at a restaurant, even a crappy little place at Wonderland, is not the place for your backside. I don't even like it when people sit their toddlers on the counter, believing it to be a bit disrespectful of food service in general as well as of everyone else who is eating at the place. But teenaged girls who perch themselves on the counter so they can hang off their boyfriends and flirt while acting like a sexed-up preteen? Inappropriate on a multitude of levels. Get your butt off the counter and act your age.

Adamantly yours,

Me

#2: The Gloves Come Off

Dear Blond Adolescent Boy,

When you stand at the hand dryer in a public washroom and dry your hands with fingerless gloves on, I not only know that you're trying to dry your gloves, but that you haven't washed your hands anyway. I know that they're wet because it's a rainy day (and in regards to that, they would dry a lot more quickly if you took them off, allowing air to pass through them), but you've still been to the washroom and they should have come off in any case. Give your head a shake. Just don't shake my hand.

Grippingly yours,

Me

#3: Mind your Ps and Qs

Dear Every Male Who Can't Pee Responsibly,

Don't use public washrooms. If you are completely unable to aim, if you are unable to clean up after yourself, if you are not able to take any responsibility for yourself or to respect anyone else, hold it in until you're at home so I will not have to enter a facility which makes me want to puke. Urine belongs in a urinal and/or in a toilet. For the very young it belongs in a diaper. It does not belong on the floor. It does not belong on a wall. If you can't follow these simple rules, you do not belong in a public restroom.

A little pee-d off,

Me

Daunting Dome

American Idol's David Cook has a big head.

I don't mean he's arrogant, which he may well be.

I mean he has an enormous head.

A crazy cranium.

It's gargantuan.

He's a total potato head.

During tonight's episide he put his head down, chin to chest, and the top of his head was mammoth, confirming what we already knew. He has a massive head. His forehead could give Linus a run for his money.

I can't imagine the horrific labour his mother must have gone through birthing the boy. Yowza.

Naturally Flavoured Tea

Back to the tea cupboard (yes, I literally have a tea cupboard) for today's musings. I recently purchased some new teas. Like books and movies, I have a bit of a ... um ... problem with buying more even though I have scads waiting to be consumed.

But I digress.

Among my tea purchases was Celestial Seasonings * brand "Bengal Spice" tea. Upon reading the ingredient list, I had reason to pause.

And now, presented for the first time ever on dullgloomy, I give you THE INGREDIENT LIST!

cinnamon, roasted chicory, roasted carob, natural cinnamon flavours, natural vanilla flavours, natural flavours, ginger, cardamom, black pepper, cloves and nutmeg

Ah, yes.

Not only does the number one ingredient, cinnamon, require the assistance of the number four ingredient, natural cinnamon flavours, but that little run of ingredients from number four to number six makes one scratch one's head.

Natural cinnamon flavours (plural, might I add).

Natural vanilla flavours (also plural).

Natural flavours (plural and nonspecific).

Now, we all know, by now, that "Natural Flavours" may have nothing at all to do with the real item whose flavour is being emulated. I have "Mango Jango" tea from Teaopia ** and it contains no mango at all, the mango taste being provided by carrot and orange. The lemon flavouring in your iced tea or salad dressing may be provided by cat urine, cockroach shells, or sunshine drops, for all you know. (Okay, this may be a slight exaggeration. Look it up for more specific information. I'm not going to link everything for you, lazybones.)

I can only assume that the good folks at Celestial Seasonings *** are differentiating from natural flavours which come from ... well ... the actual substance (i.e., cinnamon and vanilla) from those which are more creatively sourced. Still, sort of draws attention to the shadier flavours, doesn't it? Hmmm

----------

* This website, as of the time of posting, is useless.

** This website, however, is very much operational and useful.

*** This website is still useless (as of the time of posting).

News Flash

Sometimes it's amusing what people say when they're not really saying what they mean to be saying and what they think they're saying.

Today, while watching the news, the reporter was talking about the residents of Fredericton who are trying to pick up the pieces after the recent flooding.

Then he came out with the line which amused me greatly.

"Now they're waiting to see if and where they will be living for the forseeable future."

Humina-huh? What was that? Whatchu say?

"If and when."

IF and WHEN?!?!?!

Let's break that down. That translates into "Now they're waiting to see if they will be living for the foreseeable future and where they will be living for the foreseeable future."

"IF they will be living for the foreseeable future."

Hahahahahahaha!

I'm thinking that if the answer to that is no -- if they are not to be living for the foreseeable future -- then the odds of them living in the more distant future is rather unlikely as well, let alone WHERE.

Oh, you silly news guy and your poorly constructed sentence!

Elegance Redefined

Not long ago, I received, as part of a gift, a lovey tin of green tea. More specifically, I received a tin of Zhena's Gypsy Tea's Gracious Green.



Ah, those folks at Zhena's really know what to offer in a tea. It's organic. It's fair trade. It's a "caravan of consciousness changing the world one sip at a time". Ahhh. And look! In addition to all of that, they present their teas in elegant sachets!



Yes, according to Zhena herself -- as quoted on the back of the tin -- she is "devoted to creating remarkable products that delight and senses while nurturing our Global Tribe".

A delicious and nurturing organic green tea, traded fairly to ensure the dignity and and sustainability of both the people and tea. It's even kosher! And all of it packaged up in elegant sachets for my brewing pleasure! Fantastic!

I take hold of the lovely tin. I've read the Hallmark writing on the back. I've been inspired by the global focus. I've even enjoyed the charmingly embossed surface. I remove the lid, which releases with that pleasantly soft "pop" and the scent of green tea leaves wafts out in a burst of green joy.

I peek inside for the first look at these elegant sachets.

And what do I find?

Tea bags.



That's right. Tea bags, albeit round ones.

Don't get me wrong! The tea's great! It's just that I'm a little hung up on the elegant sachets part.

Let's be honest: I have had much more elegant sachets in my time. Little funny silken sachets like those from Harney & Sons. Cute little pyramids from Tea Forte. But round tea bags? Yeah. I can get those from Tetley (not that there's anything wrong with Tetley, but "elegant"? Not exactly.)

For more information on responsible tea harvesting, visit The Ethical Tea Partnership or the site of your favourite fair trade tea.

Holy SatFat, Batman!

The cup of hot white chocolate beverage which I am currently enjoying contains 20% of my daily recommended saturated fat. 20%. For one mug of hot chocolate. Sweet mother. I think Sarah, who gave me this product, is trying to kill me. Scary stuff.

On the upside, it's delicious.

In other news, I am not maintaining dullgloomy very well these days, as I'm sure is evident. I am of course dutifully writing daily on A Year in Haiku. That's gotta be worth something, right?

Hey, Wheezie!

This evening, while standing in line at the cashier, a woman joined the line behind me.

Close behind me.

Now, under normal circumstances, the distance at which she stood wouldn't have been close enough to make me uncomfortable, but this woman was breathing rather heavily. Gaspingly. Raspily. And having a heavily gasping, raspy breather behind you doubles the "acceptable distance" requirements. The heavily gasping, raspy breather was therefore uncomfortably close to me.

Then she spoke. She spoke and said something head-shaking.

"Do you know where I can buy cigarettes around here?"

She asked for smokes.

The heavily gasping, raspy breather asked for smokes.

Now there's a good idea.

She even followed up by saying, "I just can't catch my breath!"

Do you have any idea how difficult it was to keep from saying, "Oh yeah. When you can't breathe, it's usually a good idea to smoke some more."

At this point, she started dropping all of her purchases, into a pile on the floor and grabbing a few more impulse purchases to add to the pile.

I made my getaway while I was still keeping silent on the whole thing.

Puppy Love: Deadly Edition

You know what drives me nuts? (Stop! Stop listing things! It was a rhetorical question!)

People who choose to drive around with their dogs on their laps. That's right. People in the driver's seat who think it's somehow acceptable to have a living creature sitting on top of them while they're operating a motorized vehicle. Add to that the fact that they're doing so these days on roads covered with ice, slush, and snow, and I'm significantly more irritated.

Then I see the ShePound today and I get really steamed.

She's driving around, grinning like the Cheshire Cat (seriously, folks, she was about as crazy-jolly as they come) and was attempting to manoeuver her minivan around a corner with not one, but two dogs on her lap. And, though we're not talking great danes here, we're also not talking about tiny pipsqueak dogs (which would also bug me, so don't drive around with chihuahuas on your lap either). Definite mid-sized breeds. One is sitting on her lap, face pressed to the window while the other is somehow being clutched to her chest with one arm while she turns the wheel with the other.

You, my dear, are a raging idiot worthy of the accident you will someday have.

As Requested

Once upon there was a girl named Sonya. She liked to make sarcastic comments, dress in black, and generally give her mother cause for concern.

When Sonya grew up, she wanted to enter the World of The Arts, studying theatre and becoming a singer and actor.

One day, she said to herself, "Waitaminnit! Business! That's where the money is!" and so she became Management.

Now, she makes sarcastic comments, dresses in black, and generally gives her mother cause for concern. Some things never change!

Oh, Sonya! You minx you!

And therefore...

Counting this one, that's three more down.